On The Bandwagon

There has been a rash of suicides among teens over the sexuality recently.  These children were bullied and harassed by their peers - often only about their perceived sexuality.  If you don't know about these suicides, I'm shocked.  Stop here and go to a news site and catch up.  I'll wait. Many bloggers and celebrities have come out and blasted the parents of the bullies, and the bullies themselves.  I've decided that I need to put my two cents in.

The parents of the bullies and conservative pundits have defended the bullies blindly.  After all, aren't they just being kids.  That's what kids do? Right? They bully.

Unfortunately, yes they do.  I know I've done my fair share of smack-talk.  However, over the years, I've learned that it either comes back to bite me in the ass or I feel like crap about it - sometimes long after the other person has gotten over it and moved on. The Bloggess wrote a really good piece on this here.

As everyone knows, kids can be cruel.  It's not that they're evil, its just that they haven't quite figured out what is and isn't appropriate to say, and why.  They also like to test their boundaries.  They like to see how far they can go, and what a person's reaction will be.  And where do they do this the most? In schools.

To be completely honest, I haven't followed a lot of the online mud-fight.  However, I will go out on a limb and place a fair bit of the blame on teachers.  Its easy as an educator to jump in and stop physical bullying or profane language.  It takes a little more strength to stop someone when you hear "gay" or "fag".  In fact, I once wrote a paper based on the findings of SafeSchoolsNC, a North Carolina based organization, whose intention is to eliminate harassment and bullying in all forms in public schools in North Carolina.  The findings of their research is clear:  in the 30 days prior to being interviewed, 7% of heterosexual students reported being threatened with a weapon in school.  During that same period, 33% of homosexual students were threatened.  In addition, in schools that did not have a school policy that included sexual orientation, 53% of students frequently heard words such as "faggot", "dyke", or "queer", and teachers intervened frequently only 6.6% of the time.  The report, published in 2006, can be found here. (pdf, 25 pages)

Unfortunately, I place possibly most of the blame on the parents of the victims.  I'm sure they do to.  I am very sorry for their loss, and cannot comprehend what it would be like to lose your child.  However, I'm not sure if any of them had ever had a conversation with their children about how a parent's love is unconditional.  And tell them that whoever said "words can never hurt me" is full of shit, but life gets better.  Struggling with sexuality is something I've gone through.  It took me through most of high school to admit (only to myself) that I might just possibly be a scosche bisexual.  But not gay.  Even though I'm only really attracted to guys. But if I'm bisexual, then I can still be normal, right?

EDIT: I don't blame the parents for the bullying of their children.  I blame the parents for the fact that their children thought that they would not be loved and that the only way to make the pain end was to to take their own lives.

Grappling with my sexual orientation, coupled with a very mild, but untreated form of bipolar, I was extremely depressed for much of my young life.  I was constantly thinking suicidal thoughts.  Fortunately, I was too big of a coward to ever seriously act on it.

The summer after I graduated from high school, I traveled to Europe with a touring marching band.  I became friends with several openly gay and bisexual members.  They were the first people I ever told.  Of course, I told them that I was bisexual, but it was a start.  I finally began to understand who i was as a person.  When I came back, I quickly came out to most of my friends.  Including the very wonderful Domesticated Goddess, who I happened to be actually dating at the time.  I'm not sure if she understands how much I really do value her friendship after all these years.  I had finally come to terms with who I was, and it made me feel so free.

Parents: talk to your kids.  The earlier, the better.  Make sure they know that your love is unwavering, that no matter what, you'll be there for them.  Make sure that they know that treating other people differently is wrong, and help them develop the confidence to speak out against any injustice.


Readers still in high school (hey, I may have them!!): Try to make friends with the 'different' kid.  I'm not saying do it, but at least try.  Trust me, you meet some of the most amazing (and 'interesting') people in life just by being friendly.


Teachers: make sure that bullying of any sort does not happen on your watch.  This could be in your classroom, the hallways, whatever.  Take a stand, and refuse to allow that behavior, attitude, or language in your classroom.

There is no reason why a young person in this country should feel so ashamed of who they are that they feel the need to take their own life.  Shame on everyone one of us Americans who have let our society be shaped this way.

I apologize if this is poorly written, but I've made myself cry, it's 2am, and my editor will NOT get out of bed to proofread.  I've checked.